i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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