i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
