you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
