I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
