Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do you have feelings for this penis?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
