All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
