i may or may not be watching the land before time
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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