I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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