You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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