dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
