Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Less talking, more tequila
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
