My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
