just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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