i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
