Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
