I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize