Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
