I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
