some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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