I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
His nipple licking is glorious
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