oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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