I feel like abortions should bother me more
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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