i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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