I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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