i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
