I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
