I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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