Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
