chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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