i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
