K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
