Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
