Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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