we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
