ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
