According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
