so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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