how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
