I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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