I haven't been this sober since birth.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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