I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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