u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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