i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
