No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize