Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
