It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
