I cockslap morals
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
