I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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