I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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