last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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