yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
