just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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