I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
