Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
