This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
