OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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