My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
