Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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