As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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