And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
